Life in Exile
Over the last year and a half, my life has drastically changed. I moved more than 900 miles from my home, was appointed at my first church, started a Master of Divinity program at Duke, and married my best friend, Trevor. So, to say that my life has been a whirlwind since moving to North Carolina might be an understatement.
The story of Israel in exile has come alive for me since moving. In my Old Testament class last spring, we had a guest lecturer do a presentation about Godly play. The scenario she did was about the Israelites in exile. She used phrases like “the desert is a dangerous place” and “the desert is a lonely place.” I was so engaged with it, and at the end she asked the question, “Where are you on this journey?” This question hit deep within my soul. I realized I had felt as though I was in Babylon away from Israel. It is true that sometimes life in North Carolina has felt like exile.
This separation from Louisiana and mainly from my community in Ruston has indeed been dangerous and lonely. Dangerous because being away from the oasis of God’s presence at the Wesley has led to frustration, sin, and anger. Frustration at God because it was clear to me that God had called me to North Carolina, but I did not expect it to be so hard and lonely. This danger of being outside of community and accountability led to sin, which led to damaging relationships. Anger manifested itself in my relationship with God, with myself, and in other relationships. I was mad at God for bringing me to North Carolina. I was mad at myself for continually messing up and ruining friendships. This anger at myself and God was then transferred to the people I was closest to. Exile can bring out the worst in people. We see this when the Israelites were in the desert. They complained about the manna--literal bread from Heaven. They turned their backs on God and worshiped other gods and offered sacrifices to them. They complained and grumbled about everything.
Exile is a lonely place. Loneliness was not something I could put into words for a while. It was not until I returned to Wesley during Christmastime last year. I felt as though I had been on mission and was coming home to be refilled and recharged. I felt this loneliness even more on my birthday when it was just Trevor and I celebrating it. Throughout the year, this feeling of isolation showed up sporadically, sometimes in short bursts and sometimes for weeks. I was ashamed to admit that I sometimes felt as though God had left me, too.
It was not until I heard the song by Hillsong United, “There is Another in the Fire,” that I was able to look back at those times where I felt abandoned by God and see God right there with me, weeping as I wept. The song goes:
“There'll be another in the fire
Standing next to me
There'll be another in the waters
Holding back the seas
And should I ever need reminding
How good You've been to me
I'll count the joy come every battle
'Cause I know that's where You'll be”
I could see God standing next to me in church meetings, exams, hard conversations, and in my house where I lived alone. I was reminded of the Israelites and how they did not have eyes to see or refused to see that the LORD was indeed with them and providing for their every need.
Exile can be dangerous and lonely, but at the same time, God is here and providing for my every need. This exile has caused me to seek the Lord in everything. While exile caused the worst parts of me to be brought into the light, God has healed and is healing those parts and allowed me to grow through the darkness and step into this marvelous light. I had heard from many Wesley alumni, “The first year after Wesley is the hardest and worst.” This was true, but looking back I can see that I was not abandoned by God. It was the hardest because I did not look for God in North Carolina. I was so focused on looking back at Wesley that I could not see God in my future. But thanks be to God, he is gracious and opened my eyes to his presence in this exile.
I was reminded that God’s presence was in Babylon when God’s people were in exile. Because of this, I know God is with me in North Carolina. Jeremiah proclaims a word to the people of Israel while in exile:
“Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare.”
When I first moved here, I could not really hear this word from the prophet Jeremiah. I did not want to build a house and live in it. I wanted to return to Louisiana and be with my community. BUT the LORD has brought me to North Carolina to teach me things I could not and cannot learn in Louisiana. I am no longer the person I was a year and a half ago, and this is a good and joyful thing. God has called me in this season to be away from my home and to make a new home in a foreign land. Make friends; pray for Broadway and Durham; plant roots and dig deep; and, most of all, seek the LORD. These are the tasks the LORD is calling me to this season. I no longer feel as if I am in exile; instead, I have been opened up to God’s presence in my everyday life in North Carolina. I have some good friends here now, and I have found community among other student pastors at Duke. I truly love the life that God has given me. It is a privilege to learn about God and His Church in Divinity School, and it is an honor to pastor the flock God has given me. Praise be to God for the seasons of exile, for growth through them, and for His unending love and grace.