On Faith and Desire: Jamie Palmer

46 Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (which means “son of Timaeus”), was sitting by the roadside begging. 47 When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” 48 Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” 49 Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.” So they called to the blind man, “Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.” 50 Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus. 51 “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him. The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.” 52 “Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road. (Mark 10:46-52)

Recently, I have been wondering if God truly wants me to want things. It has been a struggle at times in my life to desire anything for myself. I think I am hesitant to let myself desire things for a number of reasons. 

First, I fear evil or misplaced desires. 2 Timothy 2:22 says that we must flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace. Galatians 5:16 says that we must walk by the Spirit so we will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 

Sometimes, even beyond evil desires, I just fear desiring the wrong thing—or something that is not God’s will for me. I also fear desiring what I cannot or will not receive, or being disappointed. Proverbs 13:12 says that, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” With a sick heart, it is hard to keep calling on God to save me. 

But Romans 5:5 says that, “Hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans also says that hope comes only after suffering, which produces endurance, which produces character, which finally produces hope. It is encouraging to me that the hope that does not put us to shame only comes after all these things, because I know that I am constantly going through this process. Someday, I will have a hope that is not put to shame. 

Yet in the meantime, I have often asked myself: why should I desire things at all? Shouldn’t I simply wait for God’s will to become mine? Wouldn’t God prefer to work with a blank slate, so that He can just give me the desires that are good and so that I can avoid the ones that might not be in His plan? 

To be human is to desire. What I have experienced is that if I repress my desires out of fear, it impacts my relationships and hurts my heart. It distorts my ability to desire even good things, thus diminishing my ability to hope. 

Desires are closely related to hope, and I know that God wants us to hope for His coming. You also have to desire something to truly seek it, and I know that God wants us to seek His kingdom first. But what could it really look like in everyday life to want these things? 

I think the first step for me is just to allow myself to want things, trusting God with my fears of disappointment. And as for the fear of desiring the wrong things, God’s grace will be sufficient. I must fully believe that God loves me. As John 1 4:18 says, perfect love drives out fear because it has to do with punishment. 

Jesus asks several people what they want before He heals them, such as in the passage at the beginning of my post about Bartimaeus. Even though it might seem obvious that the blind man wants to see, Jesus wants him to claim his desire. To follow this example, we should hear Jesus addressing us the same way—and we should express our desires to Him in prayer. 

It can be extremely painful to desire things, especially when it does not seem that the desires could possibly be fulfilled. But God Himself has many desires, some of which may not be fulfilled, even though He has power over everything. God desires the salvation of all people. God desires all of ourselves, that we would love Him with our whole heart. Jesus even desires that God would take away His suffering on the cross, but He still loves us enough to endure it for our salvation. 

So let us hear Jesus asking us, “What is it that you want?” And let us lay our desires out before Him in prayer. He will hear us, and He will guide us in His great love. Through prayer, our desires will become more and more conformed to His will. We will love Him more deeply, and He will be eternally faithful to us. 

Amen. 

Jamie is a senior at LA Tech and a third-year member of our Wesley Discipleship Team this school year! With her servant’s heart and kind nature, she has been a breath of fresh air ever since becoming a part of our community. She is an extremely talented pianist and enjoys writing, drawing, and spending time in nature, as well. We’re very blessed to know her!