I Found Christ Through Those I Thought I Hated: Madison Self

My name is Madison Self, and at the age of 20, I'm a Christian. I said this as well at 15, 12, and 9. However, for the first time, I really mean it. 

From a young age, I was raised around Catholicism- at least, I was raised around people who called themselves Catholics, but I did not find Christian kindness in that community. In fact, the majority of the bullying I faced throughout my childhood was at the hands of fellow Christians, and I first began to have my doubts in the fourth grade. 

By the time I reached middle school, I decided that I was an atheist. I maintained appearances for my family until I graduated high school, but I began to openly deny Christianity to my peers during my sophomore year of high school. 

For years, I associated Christianity with ignorance, cruelty, and downright stupidity. I wanted nothing to do with any church or anyone who attended church! However, as a broke college student, I eventually found myself wandering through the doors of The Wesley Foundation for a cheap meal. I can distinctly recall two times- once during my freshman year and once during my sophomore year- that I felt called to stay; yet, I was afraid of being hurt, so I left. 

During those years, I made friends with many other atheists and agnostics. I surrounded myself with people who were also hurt by Christians, people who hated the Church as much as I did, and it became an unhealthy echo chamber. I eventually realized that these friends were hurting me just as badly as the people I was running from in the first place. Once again, I found myself being used by people I trusted. It wasn't a Christianity problem, it was a people problem. 

In Spring of my junior year, I once again found myself wandering through the doors to The Wesley Foundation, as if called by a higher power. I was initially off-put by the kindness I received, as I was so distrustful that I believed they must be trying to trick me somehow. I found people to sit with at LBL, and they always invited me to other events, but I either could not go due to evening classes or was too nervous to attend. Then I got the invite for Spring Retreat. I wasn't sure why at the time, but I felt as if it was something I needed to do. I surprised myself by saying yes!

On this retreat, I began to think, “Huh, maybe these people do care about me.” Shortly after Spring Retreat, I suffered a series of misfortunes, and when I needed my friends the most, they were nowhere to be seen. In my vulnerability, I felt I had nobody to trust, and I turned to The Wesley. It was in these moments that I felt Christ's love, and for the first time I did not feel as if the love had strings attached. I finally began to realize that they did not do kind things with the expectation that they would personally benefit from it later. It was painful to realize that these strangers cared so much more for me than the people I'd spent the past few years with, but it was that much more motivating to give Christianity a try. 

I began praying, and I heard clear answers- I was meant to follow Christ. When I prayed before, I did so with the hope that I would not feel called to action because I did not want to pick up my cross. I knew that being a Christian required major changes in my lifestyle, and, honestly, the whole concept of raising from the dead sounded crazy anyways! I made many excuses to ignore the call I felt and live in my life of sin. I believed I'd be making unwanted sacrifices if I decided to make the leap. 

When I prayed this time, there was no more running. I could no longer deny what I was meant to do! This decision led to a cascade of changes that I could not have anticipated, and I discovered that my life of sin was not true freedom, but slavery to the evils of the world. I cannot say that the path has always been easy, but I can say that I am the happiest that I have ever been. I am so free living under Christ, and I now have a community of people who love me and continue to support my journey as a new Christian. My questions about faith are never left unanswered, and I never feel unwelcome or unloved! Someday, I hope to be for others what The Wesley Foundation has been for me. I am so grateful to The Wesley for walking me to the path of salvation!

Madi is a senior at Louisiana Tech majoring in Spanish. Her hobbies include crocheting, drawing, reading, and playing video games. It has been such an enormous blessing to get to know her and to witness her conversion! Madi will be a member of this school year’s Discipleship Team, and we’re eager to see the ways God will continue to move in her life.