Faith through Prayer: Jamie Palmer

A few weeks before Christmas 2 years ago, my friend, a nonbeliever, had both grandparents in the hospital with COVID. Day and night, I pled with God, tacking on a little “Thy will be done” for good measure. I wanted Him, for His Name’s sake, to show my friend that He can do miracles. I also knew that my friend was very close to her grandparents, as they lived with her, and I didn’t want her to suffer. 

I thought I was faithful and sure of what I hoped for. But her grandmother passed away just days after Christmas. 

I knew that many people struggle with unanswered prayers who have a lot more to lose than I did in praying for my friend’s grandparents, but at the time I had been so certain that God would heal them. 

For almost two years afterward, I had a hard time believing that anything I asked for in prayer would be heard. Talking to God felt pointless and vain. 

A few months back, while I was still struggling with this, my childhood church Trinity United Methodist had us take a spiritual gifts assessment. Me being unconfident and a natural pessimist, the first thing I noticed in my results was that my lowest score was… Faith. I was like, “You’ve got to be kidding! Faith should not be anyone’s weakest spiritual gift; faith is literally the foundation of every other gift.”  

So I prayed, as best I could, that God would strengthen my faith. I had already been attending the Wesley Foundation’s events relatively frequently at this point, but the realization of my weak and injured trust in God made me even more passionate about going. I needed to deepen my relationship with Him so that He would deliver me from this lack of confidence—this lack of stability and lack of trust in really anything. In myself, in others, and most importantly in God. 

The sermon that started my journey to heal my faith, the one that most moved me to draw closer to God, was one that Ryan Ford gave at the Well about prayer. Actually, I didn’t even attend this sermon, but I decided on a whim to listen to the podcast as I was going on an evening run. Here is the verse that I feel is the most important in this message: 

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” (Romans 8:26) 

Ryan’s message at that time in my faith walk was so comforting to me. He explained that often, Christian prayer is too deep to be articulated with words. The Holy Spirit is present, groaning with us, groans that are more than sufficient for what we can’t say through words. In prayer, the Spirit can carry us beyond knowledge and understanding. He meets us in our weakness, vulnerability, and ignorance and carries us into the joy of being known by God. We can experience God’s intimate affection for us through the Holy Spirit’s intercession, if only we give up control and come into God’s providential care. 

At a time in my life when all the voices in my head were reminding me of my guilt or self-hatred or doubt, it was beautiful to me that prayer did not have to be me expressing a laundry list of all my sins and the people who were suffering that needed prayer and every painful thing that was going on in my life. Not only did I not have to express myself in this way, but my connection with God in my prayers could sometimes be deeper if I didn’t. I could just lay in bed and groan, as long as I was in the presence of God, and that could be called prayer? I could just let the thoughts in my head be ones of darkness, I could acknowledge my own weakness, and I could let God work through me in whatever wretched state my soul was in?

My gosh did that ever pull me out of a pit. Ironically, knowing prayer as simply being in the presence of God, or passively praying, made it easier for me to be active in prayer. Because ever since then, all kinds of prayer and practices like Lectio Divina have been unimaginably easier for me. Jesus took me by the hand and encouraged me in my distress, and we took baby steps until I could pray with little to no problem. Sometimes, I can even hear a voice in my head that speaks to me like a parent, saying things like ‘you’re doing good’ or ‘baby, you’re gonna get through this.’ A stark contrast from the words of disgust and derision towards myself that were all I could hear not long ago. 

Because of this different view of prayer and divine intervention on my behalf, I have been pulled into many positions to which I feel God was calling me. Back before I was able to pray, I didn’t want to be active at the Wesley, lead a small group, or give up a month of my summer to go on a mission. But because I listened to these callings, I can truly believe I am doing the best I can, and I can almost hear God say ‘you’re doing great, keep going.’

Jamie is a freshman this year at LA Tech and has been a breath of fresh air to the Wesley community. She is a gifted musician, loves to read and write, and has been a huge encouragement to all of us. In addition, Jamie has committed to serving this next year on the Wesley Discipleship Team!