A Lenten Reflection: Chlese Jiles

The following is a Homily given by Chlese Jiles on Luke 22:14-46

14 When the hour came, Jesus and his apostles reclined at the table. 15 And he said to them, "I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. 16 For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God." 17 After taking the cup, he gave thanks and said, "Take this and divide it among you. 18 For I tell you I will not drink again from the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes." 19 And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me." 20 In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you. 21 But the hand of him who is going to betray me is with mine on the table. 22 The Son of Man will go as it has been decreed. But woe to that man who betrays him!" 23 They began to question among themselves which of them it might be who would do this. 24 A dispute also arose among them as to which of them was considered to be greatest. 25 Jesus said to them, "The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. 26 But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves. 27 For who is greater, the one who is at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who is at the table? But I am among you as one who serves. 28 You are those who have stood by me in my trials. 29 And I confer on you a kingdom, just as my Father conferred one on me, 30 so that you may eat and drink at my table in my kingdom and sit on thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 31 "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. 32 But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." 33 But he replied, "Lord, I am ready to go with you to prison and to death." 34 Jesus answered, "I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me." 35 Then Jesus asked them, "When I sent you without purse, bag or sandals, did you lack anything?" "Nothing," they answered. 36 He said to them, "But now if you have a purse, take it, and also a bag; and if you don't have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one. 37 It is written: 'And he was numbered with the transgressors'; and I tell you that this must be fulfilled in me. Yes, what is written about me is reaching its fulfillment." 38 The disciples said, "See, Lord, here are two swords." "That's enough!" he replied. 39 Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. 40 On reaching the place, he said to them, "Pray that you will not fall into temptation." 41 He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, 42 "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." 43 An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. 44 And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.  45 When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow. 46 "Why are you sleeping?" he asked them. "Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation."

As we find ourselves entering the last week of the Lenten Season, Holy Week, I have been reflecting on the fact that this year, Lent has been a rather dry time for me. In the last few years since I started seriously observing Lent, it has become one of my favorite times of year, a chance to reflect and to be reminded of just the kind of hope we have in our savior, who died for all of us and who overcame sin and death so that we can do the same. I’ve always come away from the season of Lent feeling refreshed. And if I’m being honest, I think part of that refreshment comes not only from a reminder of the power of Christ, but at some level from being impressed with myself for how good and disciplined of a Christian I am able to be. Like most of us, discipline is an ever-present area of improvement but during Lent, it’s the best chance I have during the year to feel as if I’m consistently giving Christ my best. To show him I can fast, I can pray, I can put down my phone, I can tithe, I can do whatever. But this year, as I said before, I have not been able to feel that same refreshment. I think this is because even before Lent started, God had been showing me (not for the first time in my life I might add) just how much I rely on myself and put my worth in what I can and can’t do.  I’ve been going through a season of rawness. I am unable to hide and I have no choice but to dance with my weakness. 

In our passage from Luke as Jesus and his disciples go to the Mount of Olives to pray, he warns them to pray that they would not be tempted and as Jesus draws away alone, his prayers for himself amount to the same - that it would be not his own will but that his Father’s will be done. And it says that as he prayed an angel came from heaven and strengthened him, but then he’s in so much anguish that he prayed more earnestly, to the point of sweating blood, showing us that the strength that Jesus was given was not to get rid of his pain but instead it was the strength to continue to submit to the Lord's will and to fight the temptation to rely on his own. Then we read that as he returns to the disciples, he finds them asleep. Luke specifies for us that they were not sleeping out of sheer laziness or just regular old fatigue but that they were “exhausted from their sorrow.” They were so sad that they could not stay awake. And I think most of us have felt that at least once before, the feeling of being in so much pain that you’d rather sleep than stay awake and feel it. But Jesus does not comfort the disciples as perhaps they and we alike might wish he would. He admonishes them and tells them once again that they must get up and pray so that they will not be tempted. I can’t help but wonder if they had heeded Jesus and prayed instead of sleeping, if they also would have been given some of that same strength that Jesus had been given. But when Jesus warns us we often do not hear it. Or if we hear it we do not understand it because we cannot see past ourselves. 

One of the things that struck me the most throughout this passage were these back to back to back instances of the disciples continuing to misunderstand Jesus even after being with him for so long. In fact, in Luke's writing of the Last Supper, the story is full of miscommunication and misunderstanding. Jesus tells them that one of them will betray him, but they start arguing about how they are better than each other. He tells Peter that Satan has been asking for him, but Peter, I imagine with red ears and a puffed out chest, disregards this warning with a declaration of his devotion to Jesus. And then (perhaps my favorite example of these misunderstandings), Jesus warns the disciples that though they needed nothing when he sent them off to evangelize, a time is coming now when he won’t be with them and they will have to come prepared, speaking figuratively of purses, bags, and swords. But the disciples chime in excitedly "Ooh, Jesus, we actually already have not one but two swords right here!" I can only imagine, though Jesus had already squashed their argument about who was the greatest, the entire time he’d been talking, instead of listening to what he was really trying to say, they were all secretly still thinking about the ways in which “I am the greatest disciple” and “I’d never betray Jesus,” and they were all too happy to look good in front of Jesus in that moment by showing him they were prepared. But Jesus responds (in the NIV) with an exasperated "that's enough!" Some other translations say "it is enough." Biblical scholars still read these words as Jesus ending the conversation, with a wearied sigh, telling them all to drop the subject with a shake of his head. 

The disciples are and have always been so worried about impressing Jesus and assuring him of their worthiness. And so are we. We misunderstand him or do not clearly hear him because we are more distracted by our fear that he’ll misunderstand us. I think that's why the disciples are not at all prepared when things unfold the way that Jesus told them they would. And perhaps it's not entirely our fault that we misunderstand. Perhaps there is only so much we can comprehend. As it says in 1 Corinthians 13, "For now we see dimly as in a mirror, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully, just as I also have been fully known." The disciples could not clearly see until he showed them. When he died, his words made sense, when he arose, they had to see the holes in his hands. But that is why we must heed his warning to pray as he did - not our will but his will be done. So that we can see past our fears and sorrows, past this mere reflection of things to come and let the Lord's sight guide us and the Lord's words be our truth. So that we are not tempted to rely on ourselves because we are too afraid to face the reality that Satan might be knocking at our door or that we might slip up. We are so afraid for Jesus to catch us with our pants down. But he already knows what we look like with our pants down! He already knows we are flaky, or doubtful, or fearful, or sad or prideful or jealous or way too confident in ourselves. We don't want him to misunderstand us, or we don't want to just be enough as we are because we’d rather be perfect. But he has not asked that of us. Jesus’ point when talking to Peter was not “Peter, you’re going to do something so terrible and you’re not the person I thought you were.” The point was that Jesus knew exactly who Peter was and who he would continue to become, and he cared enough about Peter to try and prepare him for that. And though it is hard for us and Peter alike to hear when Jesus corrects us, the point is also that there is hope. Hope in the fact that Jesus did not say “if you turn back” but "when" and that Jesus had already entrusted Peter with a job to do. That he has the same kind of confidence in those who are confident in Him. And that Jesus had also already prayed for Peter. He knew that Peter's love was real. He knew that the disciples were full of sorrow. He knows that I am weak. He knows whatever thing it is that you think he does not. He is the only one who truly understands us. 

Whatever refreshment I have been able to draw from Lent this year has been from the knowledge that as I dance with my weakness, Christ is dancing with me. And I pray that as we all come to this table and as we grow closer to Easter, that we would let go of all pretense in front of the Father just as Jesus let go of his life, and that we can utter “yet not my will, but yours be done.” Amen.

Chlese Jiles is a Wesley Alum and former intern. She is an artist running a shop with her sister Camellia and in her free time she enjoys watching shows with friends, crocheting, and sharing her art with the world. Chlese is a beloved member of the Wesley community.