The Long Walk Home: Colton Bryson

I am often worried. At times, to a point where days feel like half-remembered dreams and nights are far too long. Where people only seem to be reflections of my fears and hatred in my heart. Fears that feel all too real and true until I am awakened from my worried stupor by God’s grace. Do you know what that feels like?

I am sharing this part of myself with you because I can finally tell how The Wesley Foundation and our Lord Jesus Christ dredged up deep waters in this barren part of my testimony. It’s going to be difficult for words to describe satisfyingly because it involves the Holy Spirit and our daily participation with it. However, I suspect that you can relate to this in some manner. To catch you up to speed, I have recently graduated in November of 2021 and did not know what to do. Worse still, I did not know what I wanted for myself, but I knew that I wanted something. This didn’t come from a lack of planning (although the plans certainly weren’t peer reviewed until shortly after I graduated) but a lack of hope. I know this now because all the plans were atrophic because I was scared. Too scared to dream and wonder in awe about where the next steps are going to lead. I was scared I would end up alone again and forgotten. I still thought that I wasn’t good enough for any kind of dream. It wasn’t a surprise revelation to me when I got that diploma in my hands that I was hopeless. The surprise was that in the secret place of my heart I still wanted something.

 I have known this ambiguous want and hopelessness since the beginning of my memory, and all my time at the Wesley has been a search to fill both. This year at the Well we have been focused on the Holy Spirit and how we can see what it is doing in our lives. Listening for its utterances and making the space in our lives for it to fill. As I have been listening during the services, I realized that I knew these utterances already like an old favorite song. I recall moments when a courage and certainty that I could not call mine yet still appeared. There was a peace that wrapped me up in the hardest of times. Possibilities flooded my mind that I never dreamed of or thought long dead – like becoming a writer and teacher. Damages were revealed and then healed when I thought I was fine. These and more were some of the miracles that came from this want, such as being a part of The Wesley. Although my perception of this want was very limited throughout most of my undergrad years, only now am I seeing fruit blossom from pruning. I have often been told that I have a light inside that needs to come out. That puzzled me every time I heard it, but it doesn’t feel as impossible anymore. That light my friends see is joy from the dance between the Holy Spirit, the folks I meet, and myself. This stanza from Wendell Berry’s “The Mad Farmer, Flying the Flag of Rough Branch, Secedes from the Union” expresses this dance as such:

Come into the life of the body, the one body

Granted to you in all the history of time.

Come into the body’s economy, its daily work,

And its replenishment at mealtimes and at night.

Come into the body’s thanksgiving, when it knows

And acknowledges itself a living soul.

Come into the dance of the community, joined

In a circle, hand in hand, the dance of the eternal

Love of women and men for one another

And of neighbors and friends for one another.

I hope that when you are reading this, whether you are a student, alumni, or maybe just a passerby, that you recall moments like I’ve tried to describe. Look at your life and what you do day-to-day. Do you pray? If you don’t, you should get on that. You cannot listen if you don’t try to seek discipleship. Do you feel alone? Pray and seek out a community, however small, even if it is only one person. Are you worried? Pray and breathe. Take a good look at what is going on and seek out help. No need to ever do it alone. Are you scared? Pray and know that the Lord provides, and the Holy Spirit is there. Go find a friend. Do you think you are not good enough? Pray and stop saying that. Go to the body and share your burdens. They will help you. Do you pray for others? You ought to, for it will nourish everyone involved. Does all this sound impossible? It isn’t. Learn to be vulnerable, take a posture of submission, and look ahead on the long walk home. 

Amen.    

Colton Bryson is a beloved alum of the Wesley Foundation who is a good noodle, enjoys volunteering at the library, reading, story telling, and playing DND. He is always ready to serve in whatever ways he can and is a great listener of others.