Am I Good?: Devon Dollahon
Sometimes the take away that I get from a sermon is that to be a better Christian is to realize how awful you really are. It’s easy to make this assumption; after all, many saints over the centuries have attested that growing in Christ means growing in understanding just how much we sin and how much greater God is than us. But what about all the verses that highlight our holiness and goodness? Almost every letter by Paul opens with a greeting to the saints, i.e. the “holy ones,” who he was writing to. According to Paul, we are chosen, holy, and beloved (1), and we have a righteousness through our faith (2).
Is there a conflict between all those teachings? I have sometimes felt as if there were. If I am to realize more and more how sinful I am, how am I going to rest in the knowledge of being holy and blameless in His sight? Can I call myself good? If only God is good (3), then I guess that makes me bad. Am I worthy of His love? If I am disgusted by who I was or am without Christ, what does that make people around me who aren’t Christian? Does that make them disgusting, too?
Paul also informs Christians that they would be considered worthy of the kingdom of God (4). God must consider us worthy, then. But what does it mean to “consider” someone worthy? I think I used to believe that the righteousness God gave, and the worthiness that we have, was sort of like God pretending that we were ok. It was the legal process of Jesus imputing his righteousness to us, but we weren’t really righteous or worthy, God just chose to think of us that way. I actually would pray to God by talking about how I was like a bug before him. A disgusting thing that he dared to save. To try to manufacture feelings of love for God, I would list all the things I could think of that I did wrong, so that I could realize how terrible I was and how much I was forgiven.
But this is not healthy, joyful, mature faith, and this is not how God sees us. He sees us as children whom He delights in. We are beloved. When God says something, it IS. His will defines what is, since existence rests on His will alone. When God spoke of light, there was light, and when He says you are righteous and worthy, you ARE.
It is hard to love something that we do not value, and if we question our value, we do not love ourselves. And this is a problem because if we cannot love ourselves, then we also do not love others. To quote the ever-awesome Thomas Merton:
“The man who is aware of his own unworthiness and the unworthiness of his brother is tempted with a subtler and more tormenting kind of hate: the general, searing, nauseating hate of everything and everyone, because everything is tainted with unworthiness, everything is unclean, everything is foul with sin…. Perhaps he cannot feel love because he thinks he is unworthy of love, and because of that he also thinks no one else is worthy…The root of Christian love is not the will to love, but the faith that one is loved. (5)”
If I love others as myself (6), yet think of myself as trash, I will not love others well. Christian love is a love that delights in being loved, participates in that love, and carries it on to other people. We love because He first loved us (7).
Notice that this is not a worldly love, where we lie to ourselves about how great we are to bolster our own fragile egos. The worthiness we produce should not even factor in, as no one could be worthy of the extravagant love of God. This is instead a love that in a way forgets itself. It is a love that does not deny our wrongdoings, but it also doesn’t pay much attention to them. We are too enamored with the One who loves us.
It is a love that realizes the goodness of our own existence. It is a love that sees the good of God in us and in others. Only God is good, so it is fortunate that it is no longer I who live, but Christ in me (8). All that is good in us comes from God, and even before we are Christians, we still bear the image and beauty of God. When Christ was here, He did not see people as deplorable sinners, He saw them as lost sheep, as runaway heirs. He saw the beauty of God reflected in them, and would leave the 99 to bring them back. Merton also writes that:
“The saints are what they are, not because their sanctity makes them admirable to others, but because the gift of sainthood makes it possible for them to admire everybody else. (9)”
So how does all this look in a mature Christian? I’m still figuring that out. But I think God has been directing me to realize that it has some of these characteristics. 1) Yes, the knowledge of our sin grows as we grow, but not because we create a list that we use to metaphysically beat ourselves with. Instead, it is because our love becomes more aligned with God’s love, and we thus are more aware of and grieved by the lack of love we show when we sin. 2) This grief does not affect how we view our worth, nor does it occupy too much of our time. We dwell on it only enough to ask for forgiveness and repair the damage we have done. Our central focus is on God alone. Otherwise, we would try to derive value or lack of it from our successes/failures.
“Perfect joy is only possible when we have forgotten ourselves. It is only when we pay no more attention to our own deeds and our own reputation and our own excellence that we are at last completely free to serve God in perfection for His own sake alone. (10)”
And 3) A mature Christian looks for the good in people. We are not blind to faults, but we delight in the special way God has created each person and is revealed by them. And that applies to ourselves as well.
But it is hard to really believe we are beloved and holy, even if we conceptually agree. I invite you next time you pray to say out loud to God, ”Father, you love me.” If that feels wrong or weird, that’s a sign you need to keep repeating that until you believe it. Meditate on God’s love. Realize His love for you is a fundamental law of the universe, as true as the gravitational constant or the speed of light. It is not selfish to believe that. Then you can love others with the overflowing love that God has.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Does it feel bad to say “I am good”?
Do you get very mad at yourself over things you would easily forgive someone else for?
How often do you dwell on the sin of other people?
Community is a great place to ask these questions and for people to help us understand ourselves. It was the Wesley community that first made me ask myself those questions listed above. Often, we need other people in order to believe that God loves. They remind us of God’s love, and give us an opportunity to give love back. My hope is that you will embrace the love that God has for you, and embrace others through that love working in you.
Footnotes:
1) Colossians 3:12
2) Philippians 3:9, Romans 8:30
3) Mark 10:18
4) 2 Thessalonians 1:5
5) New Seeds of Contemplation, by Thomas Merton
6) Matthew 22:39
7) 1 John 4:19
8) Galatians 2:20
9) New Seeds of Contemplation, by Thomas Merton
10) New Seeds of Contemplation, by Thomas Merton
Devon is a former Wesley intern and an enduring source of joy to our community. He is pursuing a PhD in Electrical Engineering and Biomedical research, and helps lead the Fellowship of Christian Graduates at Texas A&M University. He's also a Dungeon Master for a Dungeons & Dragons campaign, loves strategy board games, wishes he had more time to read and hike, and likes to play video games with his friends. His characteristic beaming smile and joyful nature is an immeasurable blessing to those around him.