Quiet and Boring: Chlese Jiles
When thinking about this past year, I've often told people that God has done more than I could have imagined. And that remains true. But I've come to realize, it’s not that I didn't think God wouldn't bring us through our trials and tribulations or that we wouldn't see his provision despite all of the bad that surrounds us. What I didn't expect were the continuous days of joy. The long weeks of being at peace. The lack of worry. The confidence. The contentment. I didn't expect things to just...be okay.
I'm not someone who puts too much stock in life’s "highs." I'm a pretty optimistic person, even to the point of irritation around people who refuse to see the good side of things, but my optimism has largely been reactionary to my sufferings or insecurities. Almost as a coping mechanism, I’m very accustomed to knowing how to put on my best smile in the midst of my “lows” - when I've been sad over things that were out of my reach, in mourning over loved ones, or in despair over the depths of my sin. So, throughout this year of neither epic high or tragic low, perhaps you can understand that I didn’t know what to do with myself. Of course, I love being happy, and like everyone else, I love when my life is going well. But despite what we might say, a lot of us lack the ability to truly recognize when our lives are going well.
As I was going into my second year of the internship last summer at the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, it was hard not to think of what we would be missing from our ministry. Programmatically this year, the Wesley has still been doing The Well on Tuesdays, our Eucharist service on Sundays, and small groups on Mondays and Thursdays. We haven’t been able to have $1 lunches, dance parties, or any of the “fun” events that have always seemed such an integral, irreplaceable part of the Wesley ministry. But we’ve still had new students show up dedicated and hungry for community. We’ve had the joy of being able to baptize two people, Ryan Rae and Josh Wagner, into the family of Christ. For me personally, I’ve been more disciplined in prayer than I ever have been, less worried and insecure, and finally able to stop constantly questioning if God loves me. All of this may not sound super exciting to people outside of the Wesley, but they are products of things like ordinary friendship, daily prayer, and living in community. I’ve found the most solace throughout this year not at the “highs” or the “lows” but in obscure fleeting moments on quiet, boring days. God has been showing all of us that his Word, his Body and Blood, and fellowship with his people are enough.
Yet I’ve still been able to feel myself growing antsy during those weeks of simplicity and the daily mundanity. As a society, we definitely don’t know how to be okay with mundanity, with having nothing "going on" in our lives, or without the next major life event or drama to take us from "glory to glory." We think that if we aren’t obtaining new and exciting experiences, then life isn’t good, or on the other side of the spectrum, we’re suspicious of the peace. That nagging voice has been after me lately, telling me “there’s some worrying thing you forgot about,” or “just you wait, this won’t last for long.” But we are seriously robbing ourselves of knowing what God’s goodness is when we don’t recognize that so much of that goodness is ordinary and that He simply wants us to partake of it.
This year, I've come to understand, more and more, that God really does intend good things for us (I know, I know, Romans 8:28 has been right there in front of me, saying it all along). But I didn’t really believe that was true, I just thought I did. I can tell from the times I miss consecutive days of prayer, and I’m surprised that He still answers my petitions. I can tell when I’m jealous, or angry, or petty, and I’m surprised that through others I’m shown love and kindness. And I can tell when I’ve been content with my boring, quiet life, and I’ve been surprised that God hasn’t taken that away.
Perhaps it isn’t that God has ever been the one to take good things away from us, but we’ve been unable to see them or incapable of being content with them for very long. This year, God has done more than I imagined because my imagination was small. He’s made me think that maybe a whole lifetime’s worth of goodness can be found in the quiet or in noticing just how blue the sky is today. Or that goodness is found in the distinct ways people walk or pronounce words or give you hugs. The goodness can be found in prayer when you’re sitting up straight and breathing deep, letting those breaths flow around and get tangled up in God’s words. The goodness can be found when you let yourself live in it a little instead of trying to rush to the next best thing. And the goodness can be found when you actually believe that God, more than anyone, is right there waiting to show it to you.
Chlese is a second year missionary intern at the Wesley and a Studio Art alum of La Tech. She loves drawing, singing, dancing, and laughing with friends. When her internship is over, Chlese hopes to pursue a life of ministry and art.