Grace and Wrongness: Brandon Cruz
Grace is a word I don’t think I will ever fully grasp, nor do I think that that is a terrible thing. The contemplation of grace has been, in recent times, an ever-enduring invitation for me to enter into the mystery of God. Its contemplation puts me at ease, yet I can remember a time when the thought of having God’s grace was unbearable for me. In those days, for me to think on grace would only lead me to frustration and agony. The lack of understanding caused me anger rather than the wonder it does today.
One reason I believe I agonized over grace and forgiveness so much and was left blind to the truth is because, from the time I was small, I was taught that in order to pacify the anger of wrongdoing or sin, there must be punishment before forgiveness. Oh, how man has come up with so many terrible ways to deal with his faults and the faults of others. A person who is wrong in our world is subject to ridicule, humiliation, being cut off from relationships, physical violence, or even death before anger against them is sated. Worse still: even if you receive punishment, the world can withhold forgiveness from you. Of all this I know because my own testimony speaks of it. One of the worst unmerited wrongs ever visited upon me was the molestation that happened to me in high school band by upperclassmen. I was viewed as weak and, in their eyes, that was wrong. Multiple times this happened to myself and others, but no one came to our aid. “It was just hazing. You should have fought back. Why are you crying? It happens to every freshman. This wouldn’t have happened if you were more confident.” There was no compassion from anyone because, in their twisted view, I was wrong for being molested. It felt like I deserved the humiliation and ridicule, and so, I became silent. From that silence came a deep shame that festered forth anger, jealousy, and other vices — vices that only furthered my pain and made my coming to Christianity evermore agonizing. When Christ’s grace tried to enter, all I could see was my wrongness, shame, and vices.
Ultimately, I heeded the call of Christ. I, like young Peter, came running, but I, like Peter, had yet to grasp the depth to answering that call. Dying to oneself is not always a fast process. I was still caught in my sin and shame to the point that my wrongness was very much close to my identity at the time. If it were a mask, it might have well been my face because I saw it more than my actual face. But this mask would give way. The reason why this mask would give way is that I would be daily confronted with the Truth at the Louisiana Tech Wesley Foundation during my time at Tech. The community of the Wesley Foundation dealt with me with a kind of patience worthy of unending praise. Patience for them is an active word. They saw the work begun in me and fostered it like a farmer does the seeds of his field in waiting for the harvest he knows to come. I found mentors, teachers, and friends at the Wesley. If I could sum up the Wesley Foundation, I would say that they are people who truly grasp the weight and truth of the Gospel. They are not people of simple nicety and platitudes. The people of Wesley unashamedly proclaim and live by the truth of Gospel. Their resolve was stalwart but never without compassion. They, like their Lord Jesus Christ, come with a terribly awesome truth that makes nations tremble and men weep. When it seems as if the dawn may be taken by the night and that all anguish has reached climax, here stand the ones with right judgement over you. They say, “Peace be with you.” Here a dawn breaks forth and all dread and shame give way to grace, mercy, and love. This is what happened for me at the Wesley Foundation: a new dawn. One without shame, wrongness, and vice because they pointed me to the truth, weight, and majesty of the life, death, and resurrection of Christ Jesus.
Wrongness is something many of us struggle with, whether it be with ourselves or with others. I believe Thomas Merton says it the best in New Seeds of Contemplation: “‘[B]eing wrong’ is something we have not yet learned to face with equanimity and understanding. We either condemn it with god-like disdain or forgive it with god-like condescension.We do not manage to accept it with human compassion, humility, and identification.” So, it comes as no surprise that I should struggle with the fear of a perfect kind of Love. Grace subverted and dismantled my very idea of what forgiveness was, and therein lies the beauty and majesty of it. For do you not know that Christ came for us while we yet sinned? It is in the midst of our sin that God comes and offers His grace. Not only does He come, He comes unashamedly enfleshed in likeness of man. Christ takes upon Himself all of our pains and struggles and embraces them with full humanity and identification. You will find no condescension in His compassion, only the naked humanness of the Son of Man.
Brandon Cruz is an alumni of The Wesley Foundation and of Louisiana Tech. You can usually catch him making puns or teaching about various bugs, and his return visits to see us are always welcomed and enjoyed. He is planning on applying to seminary in the Fall.